Christy on a Journey

June 21, 2012

You

Filed under: Uncategorized — christyonajourney @ 3:39 pm

And I Miss You

You’re the best part of my day.

 

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June 20, 2012

I want….

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — christyonajourney @ 11:59 pm

The sun is shining and I am beginning to get that antsy feeling. Summer has started to whisper in my ear…the longer days and warmer nights…so languid.  I want to go; I want to do; I want to lie in the shade of a tree watching the dappled sunshine filter through. I long to feel the tickle of his breath as we lie on a blanket and watch the world go by…

I want to feel safe to do these things. I want to know that my kids can play in the yard with out my hyper-vigilance, I want to feel safe to walk to the market on the corner for a ice cream with the kids without scrutinizing every vehicle that drives near us.

Summer is coming…and I want the freedom that it brings.

I want so many things..fingers tickling and trailing….

the ribbon of condensation on the outside of a glass

I want the blush of to much sun on my legs and shoulders

I want the sleepy feeling one gets from doing nothing in the heat….or doing to much….

I want….so very much.

It is NOT to much.

June 19, 2012

Overcoming learned behaviors….

Filed under: Uncategorized — christyonajourney @ 10:52 pm

So today I discovered something that disturbed me profoundly.  My daughter who is 9 and developmentally delayed had a bruise on her neck and a scratch under her eye.  I started to ask questions and discovered that the manner in which she plays with her friends is really quite physical.  The need to be “tougher” than everyone else has been engrained in her from the time she was a baby by her father. So when someone challenges that she feels the need to prove, that she is indeed “tough”. So in this instance it meant that she withstand a fight with another (younger) little girl which ended in her having the scratch below her eye.  I asked her why she felt like she had to do these things and she told me they were her friends and that she wants them to like her.  [cue memories of me at her age trying to fit in and never really feeling secure]

I then asked her about the bruise on her neck a little while later, and she tells me that the same girl was “playing” and was pretending to choke her. I get that kids play around with all manner of activities, and what bothers me most is that my daughter is over half way to her 10th birthday is still so easily manipulated.  So the discussion went through the whys and hows of what makes good and safe play activities and what makes unsafe and poor choices in play.  I explained to her, that friends who care about you do NOT want to try to hurt you and should not be finding sport in your tears. [ cue the memories of all the different times the kids saw me nursing hurts and tears at the hands of their father]

I find that I question what did I teach my kids? When I hear my son take “that tone” with his girlfriend with out even realizing it. When my daughter accepts abusive playing because she just wants to get along and be liked.  When my youngest son screams and yells and throws some of the most horrendous fits because he can’t get exactly what he wants…. All these learn behaviors and responses.

8 years  of marriage, the last 4 progressively more and more abusive as the drugs slowly took over his life.  I stuck it out because I thought that is what a good wife does. It took a long time before I felt like God released me, a lot of sleepless nights wondering where he was, and what he was doing and if he was still even alive. A lot of  “PLEASE GOD, HEAL THIS MARRIAGE” or “Please God, make him the husband and me the wife that you desire…”

sometimes God has no answer

sometimes God waits for the right question or request.

Then there were the “How long God, must I endure this pain?”  “How long God, is enough?” “When may I leave God?”

So when he came after me, it was that soft voice in my head saying “Go Now” so I walked out the door, and he came after me with the baseball bat…..I knew the time had come and I fled…

 

What does all this have to do with my daughter? Well, if I can learn to not be a subject of abuse, so can she. I will teach her to speak up. I will teach her to have self respect, self preservation, and self love.  Love doesn’t mean hurting each other. Love doesn’t come with bruises and scratches. Love comes with tender kisses, gentle hugs, and verbal encouragement. I feel especially protective as she is special, she is my tender baby bird with the huge heart. She is the girl that has lost so much that I refuse to allow her to lose herself too. If she can’t stand up for herself than I will for her. Between God and me, we have her back…along with her three brothers.

Psalm 144:11-13

New King James Version (NKJV)

11 Rescue me and deliver me from the hand of foreigners,
Whose mouth speaks lying words,
And whose right hand is a right hand of falsehood—
12 That our sons may be as plants grown up in their youth;
That our daughters may be as pillars,
Sculptured in palace style;

Indeed!

Christy

 

 

Between Us

Filed under: Uncategorized — christyonajourney @ 12:05 am

Between Us.

June 18, 2012

Navigating the world as a Single

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — christyonajourney @ 11:53 pm

Well I am not truly single…that didn’t last long at all. I went from my dead marriage to a very much alive couplehood with my now boyfriend. It has been a bit of a struggle from time to time to find my footing as I deal emotionally with the loss of what I thought would be the rest of my life….and being  blissful in what it is becoming. I am really happy!

I was repressed, abused, neglected, stifled, and smothered. When living with an addict it is impossible to find balance, peace, normality of any sort, or maintain healthy friendships. I now have freedom with Christ, freedom to find personal expression, freedom to define myself as I see fit.

These days my biggest struggles revolve around finding balance between God, kids, work (looking for), and the boyfriend. It has been fun sorting out the rolls and expectations in this new phase and so many other aspects I wont go into just ye

t 🙂

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