Christy on a Journey

April 21, 2012

Forgiveness is a Journey

Filed under: husband, marriage, me — christyonajourney @ 3:28 pm

This week was my first appearance in Divorce Court.  Due to some very unfortunate situations we are also dealing with a restraining order and the kids haven’t seen their Dad in 6 months. Needless to say, when I see HIM (we will call him M from now on), it invokes a lot of mixed emotions.  I had lived in that marriage well past any love, or hope of love for more than 2 years. I endured abuses and made my share of mistakes as we danced the dance of limbo for years. The kids suffered, I suffered, M suffered. We. All. Suffered.

M and I have decided to walk this process with out attorneys. So there we sat before this judge trying to make sense of a challenging judicial experience.  We have agreed to go to mediation. The Judge has agreed to review the restraining order once M submits some paperwork illustrating compliance with some other programs.

Many might question why I am so quick to forgive and move on.  I can only say this: “God told me to!” How could I possibly expect M to forgive me and move forward if I haven’t done the same? Divorce is a difficult decision and the Biblical implications are big. I don’t want to create a platform for debate, because it truly is between you and God. Also, what moves your heart and how you respond to God’s prompting is up to you. I prayed long and hard and waited YEARS before I felt as if God released me.

My girlfriend drove me down to the courthouse, and provided some great emotional support to me during the rest of the day. Before we left the car, and entered the courthouse I decided to play some Psalm Roulette…you know when you flip your bible open, and let God guide your reading…I landed on Psalm 32 (The Blessedness of Forgiveness) I LOVE that God gives us scripture to guide out prayers and our paths. So we prayed, I cried, and I longed for a time when there wasn’t all this pain.

The Joy of Forgiveness

A Psalm of David. A Contemplation.[a]

32 Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.

When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.
For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer. Selah
I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah

For this cause everyone who is godly shall pray to You
In a time when You may be found;
Surely in a flood of great waters
They shall not come near him.
You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.
Do not be like the horse or like the mule,
Which have no understanding,
Which must be harnessed with bit and bridle,
Else they will not come near you.

10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked;
But he who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him.
11 Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous;
And shout for joy, all you upright in heart!

The Journey to Forgiveness is long, arduous and sometimes painful.  I am still on this journey. Seeking and giving both, I pray that M can forgive me for all the different ways I failed him and our marriage. I pray that I can continue to forgive M for all the different ways he failed me/the kids and our marriage. God is mighty and can move mountains, he certainly can move my heart!

April 18, 2012

Showered Clean

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — christyonajourney @ 3:17 pm

I woke up with a bad attitude. This is in part to going to bed with bad feelings present in my heart, and partly to being woken up by arguing kids. Three grade school aged kids arguing at 6:15 in the morning is not the preferred alarm, let me tell you. Waking up with a bad attitude, often if unchecked leads to a bad day for me and the others around me. It can be contagious much like a cold or the flu. It just isn’t very pleasant.

Matthew 7: 12

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for t his is the Law and the Prophets.

Finding the right~hearted attitude is sometimes challenging. I know that I can not rely on the those around me to keep me cheered up, thinking straight and with love and charity towards others. It isn’t their job. Definitely I work to keep people around me that will hold me accountable for my decisions, actions, and attitudes. But it isn’t the job of any one else to keep me on the right attitudinal track.

When I find myself spiritually funky, like I do this morning, I know that I can have a do-over. If fact, a do over can happen at anytime of the day, and as many times as needed.  If I find that my funkiness coincides with shower time, I take my prayer and meditations with me into get clean.  As I climb into the hot spray, I imagine God washing away my dirty, nasty, funky, ugly attitude. It is a great visual exercise that really does help.

As I work my way through my daily prayers, I ask God to please wash clean my attitude.  I can usually feel the effects immediately, kneeling in obedience and contrition before the Lord, even in the shower. Things of this world will tick us off, hurt our feelings, knock us off track and ruin our attitude in a heartbeat. Just as quickly praying to Our Father, will turn us around, start us over, bring us peace, renew our spirit and shower us clean.

Some days I have to do this multiple times, hourly if not every few minutes. True. That.

Going before the Lord, and giving Him my heart in prayer in the name of Jesus, should be the very breath of me. In my stubborn humanity, I forget. In my need to control things I try to keep things to myself thinking that I can figure “it” out. It is often when I am clutching to my own problems that I find my attitude slipping down into the ugly.

Romans 8: 1-2

So now those who belong to Christ Jesus will not be judged

The Spirit gives life in Christ Jesus. And the law of the Spirit has set me free from the law of wrong things, and the law of death.

Last night as I was frustrated with my own shortcomings, and feeling poorly about a situation that I knew better than to involve myself in…a Love who is a fledgling in the love of Christ said to me “First on your list should be prayer, I have already been praying for you.” OH SNAP. That hit home in a big way, and opened my heart to this Love even further. God is Good, oh so Good. How can I forget this? But I do.

James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Freshly Showered,

Christy

April 17, 2012

Day Two

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — christyonajourney @ 3:47 pm

This week is the early resolution hearing regarding my in-process divorce. My ex-husband and I would have been married 8 years in June. It has been heartbreaking to think about this phase of my life coming to an end. When things literally came to a head between me and my Ex, I wasn’t very kind. I was angry, bitter, resentful, and caused damage. I used the internet as a platform to embarrass, and humiliate him.  I am not the one who should be standing in judgement of his wrong doings. I am not the one who should be standing there with my hand outstretched fingers pointing shouting…”Look at what he has done!”I am ashamed of my own behavior, and while God knows the Ex made mistakes and bad choices, he also knows that I. DID. TOO.

Matthew 7: 3-5

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye?Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

It is difficult to try to enumerate the count down to the point in which you can say “I. AM. DONE.” in a relationship. That point is different for everyone, and some people leave just because they are tired of the work. I stayed far longer than most of the people who knew the situation would have liked. I didn’t stay long enough for some. If I were to live my life according to what “others” think is best, God will never be satisfied. Let me say this and only this: I stayed until I felt God say to me “Go Now!”. If you find yourself or have found yourself in a situation you will know exactly what I mean. Your heart knows, your spirit knows, and your world will prompt you accordingly.

Following God’s will (this always makes my youngest giggle, his name is Will and he is God’s Will too) is a method of living that is not always easy. The Holy Spirit’s promptings are often contrary to what the sinful world would want for us to do. God desires us to be a beacon to the lost, the lighthouse in the storm.  This world is a storm folks, and there is some ugly clouds flying around and high winds doing some major damage. My marriage was destroyed due to succumbing to the temptations of the world and the teasing of the lost.

Job 26: 11-13

The pillars of heaven tremble,
And are astonished at His rebuke.
12 He stirs up the sea with His power,
And by His understanding He breaks up the storm.
13 By His Spirit He adorned the heavens;
His hand pierced the fleeing serpent.

However, I feel as if it has been the opportunity God wanted; to take me through his refining fire. I have been brought to my knees, begged for his forgiveness, and felt his ire for my deliberate sinful ways. By turning to God and acknowledging Christ’s sacrifice I know that I am forgiven. With forgiveness and the acceptance of God’s love I accept his protection. I wish to be protected, and love the idea of God swooping down and piercing the enemy as he flees….I am learning to ask for protection, learning to revel in that warm embrace, learning to trust that God’s Will is far superior to any plan that I may have concocted on my own with out his assistance.

Glory to God,

Christy

April 16, 2012

An Introduction

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — christyonajourney @ 6:22 pm

I have had this blog for nearly 2 years, I started it in secret from my soon to be ex husband. I was trying to cope with the disintegration of my marriage, the depth of my depression, and the denial of his addictions (both his denial and mine).

I deleted those old posts, they were so sad. I was so sad, and didn’t know how to say “HEY! I am so SAD!” or “SHEESH this just sucks!”. I can say that now. It is okay to say that now. I don’t always feel that way now, and whew that is such a blessing.

Nearly 6 months ago my world came crashing down around me.  Unfortunately it crashed on my daughter’s 9th birthday. We lost everything. Home, partner/father, lively hood, independence, and sense of peace. The culmination of His poor choices and Mine collided in an epic manner, with the result being the demise of a marriage and a family.

The upside to all of this is I have returned to my faith in a bigger and bolder way than ever before. My kids are ALL getting the help they so desperately needed, as am I. We are being given the opportunity to start over and begin anew. I can face my hurdles head on and be strong in the knowledge that God will walk me through any tribulation. Seeing the truth in addictions, disabilities, and shortcomings is just a part of life. God loves everyone, and gives the same opportunities for redemption to us all. Thank You God!

So in a big and whole new fashion I am starting a new journey.  Searching for a new career, journeying through the mayhem that can be single parenthood, and learning to live on my own.

I have missed writing, as if a part of my soul has been absent. Coming back to blogging is a great opportunity to find that footing again and I hope you will follow along. It is bound to be a bumpy ride, and I know that I will stumble and fall.

He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strong in faith, giving glory to God  Romans 4:20

Will you journey with me?

Christy

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