Christy on a Journey

April 26, 2012

Casting Out Fear

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — christyonajourney @ 9:58 pm

What does the casting out of fear look like in your life? I never really applied it until recently. I wish I could say that at the age of 38 I am strong, settled, and have it all figured out…you know what? I don’t have a clue some most days. I have spent most of my days stumbling, tripping and crashing around haphazardly hoping to land on the right thing.

My story is one that is convoluted at best. I have made so many mistakes, and hurt so many people in the process of my own damaging behavior. These days I am sowing the seeds that I have sown in my past, through a failed marriage, children that will have to cope with the repercussions from my mistakes. As I search for peace and struggle to find forgiveness for myself, I find I get anxious.

I want the answers now.  I want a JOB. I want a HOME. I want to figure stuff out RIGHT. NOW.

As a indirect and direct result of my choices and the things that we are dealing with, the choices of my soon to be ex husband there are many compromises the children have been forced to make with me. First we do not have a home of our own anymore. The kids and I are living with family friends, because I do not have a job. I do not have a job because of poor choices on my part, and my need to fix things “my way”, I was terminated.

I am sharing all of this to illustrate what I am doing differently NOW. In this season, I am turning to God. I am turning to scripture, I am searching the Word of God. I am seeking out the counsel of other women of God, I am allowing myself to be held accountable by those that do really care about me.

Here is the crazy thing…as much as I want answers now…God is telling me to wait. to not fear. Everything that I am hearing comes down to casting away my fear and being patient and wait for God.  So I am working to cast away fear and to bask in God’s Love knowing that his provision is enough and his timing is what is best for me.

1 John Chapter 4…

17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 19 We love Him[b] because He first loved us.

So This is me….casting out fear…again and again and again.

April 18, 2012

Showered Clean

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — christyonajourney @ 3:17 pm

I woke up with a bad attitude. This is in part to going to bed with bad feelings present in my heart, and partly to being woken up by arguing kids. Three grade school aged kids arguing at 6:15 in the morning is not the preferred alarm, let me tell you. Waking up with a bad attitude, often if unchecked leads to a bad day for me and the others around me. It can be contagious much like a cold or the flu. It just isn’t very pleasant.

Matthew 7: 12

So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for t his is the Law and the Prophets.

Finding the right~hearted attitude is sometimes challenging. I know that I can not rely on the those around me to keep me cheered up, thinking straight and with love and charity towards others. It isn’t their job. Definitely I work to keep people around me that will hold me accountable for my decisions, actions, and attitudes. But it isn’t the job of any one else to keep me on the right attitudinal track.

When I find myself spiritually funky, like I do this morning, I know that I can have a do-over. If fact, a do over can happen at anytime of the day, and as many times as needed.  If I find that my funkiness coincides with shower time, I take my prayer and meditations with me into get clean.  As I climb into the hot spray, I imagine God washing away my dirty, nasty, funky, ugly attitude. It is a great visual exercise that really does help.

As I work my way through my daily prayers, I ask God to please wash clean my attitude.  I can usually feel the effects immediately, kneeling in obedience and contrition before the Lord, even in the shower. Things of this world will tick us off, hurt our feelings, knock us off track and ruin our attitude in a heartbeat. Just as quickly praying to Our Father, will turn us around, start us over, bring us peace, renew our spirit and shower us clean.

Some days I have to do this multiple times, hourly if not every few minutes. True. That.

Going before the Lord, and giving Him my heart in prayer in the name of Jesus, should be the very breath of me. In my stubborn humanity, I forget. In my need to control things I try to keep things to myself thinking that I can figure “it” out. It is often when I am clutching to my own problems that I find my attitude slipping down into the ugly.

Romans 8: 1-2

So now those who belong to Christ Jesus will not be judged

The Spirit gives life in Christ Jesus. And the law of the Spirit has set me free from the law of wrong things, and the law of death.

Last night as I was frustrated with my own shortcomings, and feeling poorly about a situation that I knew better than to involve myself in…a Love who is a fledgling in the love of Christ said to me “First on your list should be prayer, I have already been praying for you.” OH SNAP. That hit home in a big way, and opened my heart to this Love even further. God is Good, oh so Good. How can I forget this? But I do.

James 1:17

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Freshly Showered,

Christy

April 17, 2012

Day Two

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — christyonajourney @ 3:47 pm

This week is the early resolution hearing regarding my in-process divorce. My ex-husband and I would have been married 8 years in June. It has been heartbreaking to think about this phase of my life coming to an end. When things literally came to a head between me and my Ex, I wasn’t very kind. I was angry, bitter, resentful, and caused damage. I used the internet as a platform to embarrass, and humiliate him.  I am not the one who should be standing in judgement of his wrong doings. I am not the one who should be standing there with my hand outstretched fingers pointing shouting…”Look at what he has done!”I am ashamed of my own behavior, and while God knows the Ex made mistakes and bad choices, he also knows that I. DID. TOO.

Matthew 7: 3-5

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye?Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

It is difficult to try to enumerate the count down to the point in which you can say “I. AM. DONE.” in a relationship. That point is different for everyone, and some people leave just because they are tired of the work. I stayed far longer than most of the people who knew the situation would have liked. I didn’t stay long enough for some. If I were to live my life according to what “others” think is best, God will never be satisfied. Let me say this and only this: I stayed until I felt God say to me “Go Now!”. If you find yourself or have found yourself in a situation you will know exactly what I mean. Your heart knows, your spirit knows, and your world will prompt you accordingly.

Following God’s will (this always makes my youngest giggle, his name is Will and he is God’s Will too) is a method of living that is not always easy. The Holy Spirit’s promptings are often contrary to what the sinful world would want for us to do. God desires us to be a beacon to the lost, the lighthouse in the storm.  This world is a storm folks, and there is some ugly clouds flying around and high winds doing some major damage. My marriage was destroyed due to succumbing to the temptations of the world and the teasing of the lost.

Job 26: 11-13

The pillars of heaven tremble,
And are astonished at His rebuke.
12 He stirs up the sea with His power,
And by His understanding He breaks up the storm.
13 By His Spirit He adorned the heavens;
His hand pierced the fleeing serpent.

However, I feel as if it has been the opportunity God wanted; to take me through his refining fire. I have been brought to my knees, begged for his forgiveness, and felt his ire for my deliberate sinful ways. By turning to God and acknowledging Christ’s sacrifice I know that I am forgiven. With forgiveness and the acceptance of God’s love I accept his protection. I wish to be protected, and love the idea of God swooping down and piercing the enemy as he flees….I am learning to ask for protection, learning to revel in that warm embrace, learning to trust that God’s Will is far superior to any plan that I may have concocted on my own with out his assistance.

Glory to God,

Christy

April 16, 2012

An Introduction

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — christyonajourney @ 6:22 pm

I have had this blog for nearly 2 years, I started it in secret from my soon to be ex husband. I was trying to cope with the disintegration of my marriage, the depth of my depression, and the denial of his addictions (both his denial and mine).

I deleted those old posts, they were so sad. I was so sad, and didn’t know how to say “HEY! I am so SAD!” or “SHEESH this just sucks!”. I can say that now. It is okay to say that now. I don’t always feel that way now, and whew that is such a blessing.

Nearly 6 months ago my world came crashing down around me.  Unfortunately it crashed on my daughter’s 9th birthday. We lost everything. Home, partner/father, lively hood, independence, and sense of peace. The culmination of His poor choices and Mine collided in an epic manner, with the result being the demise of a marriage and a family.

The upside to all of this is I have returned to my faith in a bigger and bolder way than ever before. My kids are ALL getting the help they so desperately needed, as am I. We are being given the opportunity to start over and begin anew. I can face my hurdles head on and be strong in the knowledge that God will walk me through any tribulation. Seeing the truth in addictions, disabilities, and shortcomings is just a part of life. God loves everyone, and gives the same opportunities for redemption to us all. Thank You God!

So in a big and whole new fashion I am starting a new journey.  Searching for a new career, journeying through the mayhem that can be single parenthood, and learning to live on my own.

I have missed writing, as if a part of my soul has been absent. Coming back to blogging is a great opportunity to find that footing again and I hope you will follow along. It is bound to be a bumpy ride, and I know that I will stumble and fall.

He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strong in faith, giving glory to God  Romans 4:20

Will you journey with me?

Christy

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